I've been casually in online dating for a few years now.  Nothing had ever come out of it, the routine was generally that I had a profile up and once every couple of weeks I'd nose arround to see if anybody had enough in common with me to try and meet.  More often than not, the case was no, but a few times I'd e-mail back and forth with somebody, shoot the breeze, but it would die off.  Never actually met up with anybody in person. 

Then about a week ago, out of the blue, I get a ping from this girl who seems very interesting, creative, musical and clever and we start chatting and AIMing.  I'm rather enjoying it, but got worried this would turn into the regular "shoot the breeze until we run out of things to chat about, then fall into a lull and never go any farther" kind of thing, so I started at least putting on the table that I'd like to meet her to get into the kinds of things you can't really find out online (sing together, dance together, figure out what makes her laugh, that kind of thing).  She originally replied that she just wanted to chat back and forth for a bit longer, and I was cool with that too, but then we were talking on AIM on Saturday, and she brought up a Kilt Night at Harps Irish Pub with music and Celtic dancing.  We decided to meet up there. 

In person, she was startlingly gorgeous.  Tallish with a cute, rounded nose, sweet green eyes, a full and kind smile, bright creamy skin... I'd keep listing, but I'd rather not go overboard and get creepy.  To sum up: beautiful young woman.  Two of her friends also happened to be there, so we all got a table, sang along to some songs, I gave her my jacket when she got chilly, we all talked and joked, then she and I went to the back to check out the dancing.  It was a bit like Contra or the Virginia Reel: a called dance with do si dos and all that jazz.  We had a good time and came out of it laughing and a bit tired out.  We kept talking, then the four of us adjurned to her house to play a round of Cranium. 

She has four cats and a very young king snake.  The cats were very curious and all over the place, but I wasn't having any allergy issues, so I was able to comfortably just have fun, and the little king snake just lounged in his terarium, was brought out for a brief visit and is a cool little guy.  The game was silly and broad with lots of laughter, and tight right up to the finish.  We said goodbye to her friends and continued to hang out just watching a movie on the couch.  The whole evening was nice.  We're planning to get together for some swing dance in a few days.  Her name is Christine, she's beautiful, and I hope I get the chance to keep seeing her.

I've been getting linked to videos and articals lately where people are either saying that society gets its morals from the bible, or that an atheist has no reason to act morally.  Since it's always worthwhile to self-examine to better understand why you act a certain way, I'll take this opportunity to explore where my morality comes from.  If you have questions or disagree, let me know.  That helps me better examine what I think.

In the philosophies of societies existing centuries before Christianity, there can be found this basic idea: "do not do something to another person that you would not like done to you."  That isn't a religious idea, but a basic tenet of society that allows it to work.  Outside of a society, if people are completely seperate and not working towards mutual goals, you can succeed by killing competition and stealing things that you want or need, with the understanding that the other party might kill you or try to steal things from you that they want or need.  In that setup, the strongest and most ruthless thrives.

In a society, though, a group of people decide that they don't want to be killed or stolen from, so they agree not to kill or steal from other people and furthermore not to tollerate it from others.  As a group, they're stronger than an individual, and so they can effectively stop people who continue to kill or steal much better than they could as individuals.  As a society grows larger, its strength vs. an individual's strength gets stronger.  At the same time, within a society where fear of theft and murder are lessened, people feel safer to create more beautiful, complex and interesting things to share or trade, secure in the feeling that their society won't condone those things being stolen, or them being killed because of them.  When a person in a society decides to do harm to another, society works to punish them, and when a person decides to do something to better another or society as a whole, they are often rewarded by society or another for it. 

A problem with societies, though, is that they can become an individual when compared to other societies, so one society that is bigger and stronger or more ruthless to other societies may steal from, harm or kill other societies and thrive.  We have seen societies of societies where seperate groups have decided not to do things to another society that they wouldn't want done, and those societies have tended to grow and thrive because of those associations.

So that's where my model for morality comes from: observation of societal growth in nature.  The ethic of reciprocity along with an anti-nationalist or anti-jingoist stance in the hopes of living in a society that is benefited by being part of a world society.  By not doing intentional harm to others and not tollerating others harming others, I support a society that should help me avoid harm, and with that assurance I am free to explore creative works that benefit me, others or both, helping the society I live in to become richer.  All of that is why I think somebody can be completely moral without religion or belief in the existance of a God, gods or an afterlife and why I think many people are moral without those things.

I'm having a hard time lately, and feeling horribly alone because of it.  I'm feeling like anything I think or make or do is just being tollerated. 

Any time I want to talk about an idea it becomes an argument, so now I dread saying anything I'm thinking. 

When I've gone out to sing, it doesn't seem that anybody actually enjoys it, it's just something that happens. 

When I've gone out to swing dance, it's like I'm an unnecessary addition to the crowd and not wanted or needed there.  I've been trying to come up with new things to do with improv, and more and more it's feeling like I'm the teacher in a required class that people are going to out of responsibility, not out of interest. 

I had a little spurt of creative drive and got to do a drawing jam, but nobody seems actually interested in or excited by the work. 

The more I feel this way, the more I notice that I'm mumbling and stuttering and getting haunted by memories of inconsequential mistakes and accidents.  I get rushes of those in the bathroom or the car or when I'm taking a walk, and just start cursing at myself.  I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing any more. 

Work is work, and it goes by well enough when we're busy and I can put on headphones and just draw through a sequence all day, but when I can't listen to music and have to live in my own head in that room, it's nearly unbearable. 

That, and my Mom is constantly asking me what day of the week I'm coming over for dinner with the family and also if I'm seeing anybody, which gets more and more maddening every time, since I barely have a free evening to try and force a visit home in every week, so the idea that I should also have the time to venture outside of my current social circle (filled with smart, attractive, creative women who are married, seeing somebody seriously, or I'm obviously not the type of) to persue dating and a relationship.

I want somebody to talk to that I can actually brainstorm with and who will build off of and run with ideas with me.  I want to draw something that inspires somebody to draw something that then makes me think of what I'm drawing in a new way, and for that graphic conversation to build and change and continue.  I want to sing for somebody who really enjoys hearing me sing.  I want to dance with somebody who wants to dance with me because they want to dance with me, not just because they know I'll dance with them when they want to dance.  I want to have a reason to be excited about doing things, because I'm not, and yet I keep doing them anyway, and it sucks more and more out of me each day.

I don't like this, and I want it to change.  I'm worried it won't.

Went and did a sketch jam on Saturday and really enjoyed it!  Just getting to play off of ideas and themes, bounce off of other artists, converge and diverge and have fun.  It was a good thing!  I need to get a new scanner for my computer so I can load some of that up and play in Photoshop.  A little melancholy, since this isn't a regular thing.  I remember realy loving doing this with the Sequential Art Association back in college.  This was cool.  More of this.

I need to find a regular spot to sing again too.  I liked the bar at Dragon*Con, and apparently that's a nightly thing, and it was cool, but it didn't feel quite right.  Looking forward to Becky's next Karaoke gig at the V2 wine room (Saturday October 10th from 8-12).  The place is a bit small, and got crowded last time, but the last one was a fun night.
 

In honor of Blasphemy Day, here are two videos of some of my favorite and most apropos bits from comedian Tim Minchin: